. The Life of a Looper By Jerry Walters MTT Contributing Writer Like to sleep until the crack of noon? Well, being a caddy on the PGA Tour isn't the occupation for you. And, being in the best physical condition of your life, like me, doesn't always guarantee success. There are demands that have caused some loopers to be dismissed from their employers just this year. The most celebrated caddy, Fluff Cowan, was 'let go' because he couldn't keep up with Tiger anymore. Young Mr. Woods, the bazillionaire, has opted for a younger, more athletic caddy that smokes less. Refineries smoke less than Fluff. Stewart Cink thought he had me when I asked what qualities he looked for in a caddy. He asked me if I knew the three things it took to make it on the tour. I told him I knew the best places to eat, had a good alarm clock, and could keep clubs real clean. None of those were correct. Cink went on to tell me the three 'UPS'. They were, show up, keep up, and shut up. And here I thought 'sober up' had to be in the mix somewhere. Showing up could be considered important. There's nothing worse than making your player late for his tee time or making him nervous about whether you'll show up at all. We're talking instant two-stroke penalty here. If your pro has a 7 am tee time, you'll need time to hit range balls, count 14 clubs, and roll balls back and forth on the practice green. And, you'd better be there thirty minutes before the pro even thinks about arriving. I kid around about being in top physical condition, but it's true. The pros only walk from point A to point B, with expectations for the caddy to lump the 50 pounds of equipment. The pro loopers also clean clubs before they're put away, replace the Marv Albert toupee sized divot, rake the trap, and be there when his employer marks his ball on the green so it can be cleaned. At that point, you're allowed to put the bag down and take up the task of helping read the putt and tend the flag. Sometimes, all this is done carrying an umbrella, thinking of keeping the player dry, never you. But, on the high side, some caddies make pretty sizeable checks these days depending on what their arrangement is with the pros, but as you know, the purses doubled in the PGA Tour events this year, and along with that goes the paycheck of the looper. When the pros come to Colorado, the altitude presents an extraordinary problem for them. It's the thin air that allows them to hit the ball farther than at sea level. That's a good thing. Think about those booming drives that as a spectator you love to watch float in the crisp blue Colorado sky like a small hot air balloon, wondering where it will finally touch the earth again. The unfortunate part is that players on the tour play all over the world where the altitude is different all the time. Therefore, they have a number they use to factor in to adjust their distance. The most commonly used allowance is 10%, but some pros prefer 12%, and there are others that calculate the difference at 7%. Talk about brain damage. When most corporate presidents and CEOs go to work, competent underlings surround them. When a touring pro goes to work, he leaves his swing guru, his agent, his putting instructor, his secretary, and his allies behind. The only person there to guide him through his workday is his trusted caddy. For four plus hours, they talk, analyze, joke, and sweat together, hoping for favorable results from their hours of labor. In speaking to a number of touring pros, there is one resounding theme to the qualities they demand in a pro looper. That quality is, knowing when to speak and when to shut up. That alone nullifies me from qualifying for employment in the ranks of a tour caddy. All that working out, strict dieting, and a great pair of sneakers, is for naught. I tried my hand at caddying once. The year was 1997 at the Colorado Open. I was walking along watching Gary Hallberg, who I had become friends with. About the third hole on the third day, Gary asked me if I wanted to carry for him on Sunday, the final day. Without thinking, I said yes. What had I done to myself, or better yet what damage could I do to this guy who was trying to make a little cash before going back out on tour with the PGA? Well, he had had 74 and 70 the first two days. How badly could I screw THAT up? He ended up with a 67 on Saturday and had started to leap over many other players. By the time Sunday rolled around, I was a wreck. Hallberg has won on the PGA Tour. He knows what is expected in a looper, and what won't be tolerated. Now, I've been around the game of golf since my parents bought a set of junior starter clubs when I was 8 years old. But what gave me the idea that I had what it would take to caddy? But, it was only the Colorado Open, not like it was comparable to anything on tour. Although, the Colorado Open is the richest state tournament in the US. It turned out to be one of the most memorable days in my life, just short of the birth of my kids and the hole in one I had in 1982. I brought Gary in with a sweet 63 that day, into a tie for fifth. He actually made some cash in the tournament when he thought it was a lost cause after the first two days. Just goes to show you what can be accomplished with a quality looper on your bag. Guess I have some skills after all.