Pass the lollipops, these gadgets are for suckers! By Jerry Walters MTT Contributing Writer Member of the Golf Writers Association of America MTT Contributing "Do not be tempted to invest in a sample of each golfing invention as soon as it makes its appearance. If you do, you will only complicate and spoil your game- and encumber your locker with much useless rubbish." -Harry Vardon- Famed British Golfer and 6 Time British Open Winner We're a strange lot, we golfers. We'll take the bait before it's on the hook. There is no other sport, activity, or category that creates and sells more accessories, gadgets, and training aids than golf. We must be the most gullible assemblage on God's green fairways. The truth of the matter is, we'll listen to anyone and we'll read any tips just to lower our index by one point. One book title that caught my eye recently was "Learn Golf in ONE Weekend". Right! There are those of us that have listed learning the game under "Occupation" on our 1090's. We have convinced the IRS that instructional tapes are business expenses. We don't know when to quit. Just when we think we can make it through the day without a dose of Jennifer Mills on The Golf Channel, or not go the equipmentforhacks.com web site, along comes another training aid on the tube at 3:30 am. Tell us that quicker-than-lightning remote-control clicker finger doesn't hesitate before our brain can even process the information. Can we surf right past it? Not me. It might be the ONE that helps us discover "The Secret of Life". Just to satisfy my curiosity and to perform "in-depth" research, I went to the Internet to look up "golf accessories". There were over 350,000 sites currently available to the linkster featuring gadgets, training devices, and non-essential accessories. Recently at the Denver Golf Expo, the booths doing the most business were those selling trinkets that have absolutely nothing to do with the game itself. The crowds surrounding those stands looked like Dennis Rodman and his entourage at a Clinique sale. The questions I consistently have to ask myself are; what will this apparatus look like on the golf course, should I train with it in the privacy of my own home, and would I see this on any of the tours? I suppose there are the novelties that are manufactured just for grins, and maybe I take the game a little too seriously at times. Really folks, there are clubs, balls, gloves, shirts, tees, and socks that will improve your game, or so the marketing geniuses would have you believe. As for training aids, some I've seen make you look like a wrung-out washcloth before sending a Club Special skyward. Sometime back, there was a putter on the market called the "Stand-Up Putter". You couldn't flip on your television after midnight without running into the infomercials. You know the one I'm talking about, the ads with former boxers, track stars, and other pro jocks extolling the virtues of the wonder-club. The sole was so large on this putter that you could stand it up by itself to help line up your putt. Thus the descriptive name "Stand Up Putter." On the ad, a bowler went back and forth a couple of times to continue to adjust the line before he knocked in the 30 footer. What kind of ad would it be if he missed, and how many takes did they shoot? The marketing campaign is what made me question the validity of this golden rod. "Say good-bye to 3 putt greens" they all chanted. Yeah, and say hello to 6-hour rounds. One device I found on the web was the "Aqua-Golf". Sounds harmless I know, but what the manufacturers purport is that it is a training-aid, and can help you learn the game of golf. Picture this, a 3x5 artificial kidney-shaped mat you set afloat in your backyard pool. It even has a flag attached to it to resemble a green. The only part that resembles a green is the color itself. Also included is a matching mat from which you hit balls with your wedge. Balls, you say. Regular golf balls would sink in the pool to be retrieved later. That aspect would be better than the wiffle balls that are included. Seriously, how could you learn the game with wiffle balls? And, to insult your intelligence farther, the plastic balls are wrapped with Velcro to keep them from rolling more than two feet. Plastic golf balls should only be used to teach Fido to fetch and to shoot out the side of the lawnmower. Some of the marketing slogans would make you vomit. "Play closest to the pin" and "You don't have to get in the water to enjoy it, simply use your skim net". The inventor of this useless piece of merchandise should be made to float on his back in the pool while John Daly tries to hit his open mouth. Here's one you've all seen, either on your buddy's bag, or his wife's; the beaded scorekeeper. If you really need this device to aid you in tabulating your score, you have the wrong accessory. You need to have a solar powered calculator attached to your bag. The abbreviated rosary only has NINE BEADS. This assumes the player will never score in double digits. Who's to say that once you get past eight strokes, you'll either A, want to remember all the strikes, or B, you CAN remember the numerous hits? What an embarrassment to have to stop and re-tabulate by the ancient method of beads. Why, I'd rather be made to keep score with my wife's eyeliner pencil. And, finally, the most absurd nonessential equipment is found in a brochure about the "Back Tee." This device fits onto the butt-end of the club, holding the ball and tee in place. It aids in teeing up a ball, and is designed to reduce the amount of bending during a round of golf by the player. Excuse me, isn't the actual bending of one's torso part of the game itself? Could it be that the true reason some people might invest in the accessory is because they're too damned fat to bend over and put the tee in the ground? And, if your back is so tender that bending over to place a tee in the turf irritates or aggravates it, you shouldn't be near the golf course, you should be in traction! It was Richard Franck, in 1658, who once said; "necessity is the mother of invention". Let's keep our mothers out of this. We may have gone too far already. As for me, it's on the Tour, or it's not in my bag. Hey, has anybody seen my 7-iron cover? Jerry Walters is co-host of Chip Shots radio show heard from 6am till 8am every Saturday morning on Sports Radio AM 950 The Fan. Check out chipshotsradio.com for contests and show information.